Ooh I stand in the corner
Thinking over 1,2 what am I to do
Should I go home still sober
Or should I buy me another glass of wine
And forget about time?

Everybody But Me - Lykke Li


Why? I don't know. I just want to

Pain is pleasure. How many times have we heard that term being tossed around? How many times do we actually consider the meaning behind it? I seem to have this tendency to have elevated levels of pain, pleasure, and other emotional feelings (i.e.: happiness, anger, sadness) and I cannot seem to pin-point the reason why. See, this is the mystery for me. Why do I react towards something more than I logically should?

The past month (I just realised I've been using this phrase, or variants of it, very, very, very often lately) have been a turmoil. I've been easily susceptible to emotional swings, from euphoric highs to suicidal lows, all within the space of a few hours (minutes, even). I've been torn between anger and joy, with a little sadness thrown in the midst of them both, lately, and for the life of me I cannot figure out why.

I have found out what it is that makes me like this, but I can't stop these things. I haven't been able to do the "Yeah, okay, fine." sort of thing when I encounter these things. Sometimes I wish I can be cold, emotionless, numb even. It's like, I've gone back to my teenage angst years, where any little thing sets me off, and in my "seething rage" or "suicidal sorrow", I can't seem to think straight.

When I do finally regain my composure, I think back at the things that made me angry or shitty or whatever, they're petty. Some may be more serious than others (because, yes, there are non-petty things that get to me), but they all get the same emotional outburst.

I haven't been sleeping well. I haven't been living normally. I can't do things that I used to be able to do. I can't keep up with my head and my heart. It's 6 a.m. for fuck's sake and I'm up thinking about stuff like this.

My mum theorized that it could be because I have too much time to think, and I told her that I know my brain works more than it should, especially on things that it shouldn't work on. In that sense, I can't wait for work to begin. It'll occupy me, it'll give my brain a rest, it'll take some stress out of my life. Yes, work can be hard and stressful too, but it's the sort of thing that I know I can deal with. The sort of stress I can put my finger on, the sort of stress I can identify, I can confront.

I've always wanted to know how it'd feel if I did things like fall while running, or stick a hand out the window and hit a tree, or crash a car into something. Maybe it's because I think that physical pain can be dealt with. Pain that comes from within, that comes from the head and the heart, that I find it hard to deal with.

And the sad thing is, my life isn't that bad. Shitty things aside, it's actually great.

I'm the one who's making it horrible. La de da.

Yesterday i lost me a memory
I kept too long for no good reason
They seem to hang around to greet the future
And what goes around will come around most likely

Can i go with you tomorrow
I just wanna go, tomorrow

I remember an insect some kind of bee
That came around for a visit on my balcony
It made me so glad i cried
You got a pretty costume indeed

Can i follow you, tomorrow
I just wanna go, go tomorrow
Tomorrow

We landed on an old forgotten shore
That been kept away from sight
Since ancient times
Then i took command of some river boat
And steered it into the great wilderness

So if you wanna go where i go
If you wanna go where i go, tomorrow

Tomorrow - The Concretes