Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Behind My Smile Is A Hurting Heart. Behind My laugh, I'm Falling Apart. Look closely at Me and You Will See, the Guy I am, Isn't Me.

Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
but I've got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.
I would be nothing without you.

Wind Beneath My Wings - Bette Midler


Rough patch! That's what it is at the moment. And it's way worse than it's ever been. EVER.

I had work to do yesterday, went to Sri Pentas at around 8.30 a.m. to prepare to shoot the Goodbye Tapes for the Top20 contestants. We ended up finishing close to 5 a.m. Hah. Awesome, nay?

So anyway, I sat in on most of the shooting, since I was on camera 2. Listening to what Keidd was telling the contestants, giving them scenarios that would make any grown man weep, I guess it's inevitable that I was sort of affected as well.

At about midnight I decided on a whim to call my dad up, and talking to him brought a smile to my face. But at the same time, I felt tremendously sad. I fucking cried, damnit. Imagine crying at midnight on the office balcony (not something that I would want to do again, mind you). Hell, even now typing this out I'm tearing. It's the fact that he's not in my life now, when I probably need him a lot to go through stuff lately. That's what gets at me (and he's not the only one missing, and that gets me too)

Some may say, "Oh, it's part of growing up." or "You've got to get used to this, because you're going to go away one day." or whatever, but I can't. I'm sorry if I love my parents too damn much.

I guess work is the core of the matter. Two important people are gone because of work. One is coming back in July, and the other, September. I can live, if perhaps only one is gone (well, after the shock of the person leaving la). But two, and them pulak tu. It's not easy. Never was, never will be.

I've got tonnes on my mind still, but no way of wording them. And I've got to head to work soon. So yeah, maybe when the inspiration hits me. Maybe.

God I miss you two. More than you know, perhaps more than even I do.

Dad, Me

Mel, Me

Maybe then when all the sky was blazing.
Maybe then I'd feel you somewhere,
Gazing at a star,
And you could feel me too.


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