Open up your heart, what do you feel?
Open up your heart, what do you feel is real?

The big bang may be a million years away,
But I can't think of a better time to say:

World, hold on.

World Hold On - Bob Sinclair


Grrr. Don't disturb me when I'm eating.

Sometimes when things are smack in the middle of the open, obvious to be seen, we don't seem to see it. We skim over it, barely giving it a second glance or thought. We then go on and search for that exact same thing in harder places to find, oblivious to the fact that we have it right there. Sometimes we refuse to accept what is given to us, instead we want to look for it on our own, we want to work for it, we want to believe that we can achieve something better.

There is a phrase that has been going round for some time : "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth."

Apparently this came about because a horse's teeth can show how old a horse is, and so when given a horse, one should not look at the teeth, but one should be grateful for the present. Perhaps it is human nature to ask questions, to want more, to seek higher pleasure from something that is given. It is not uncommon to not feel grateful when we get something, since we probably have expectations and standards that we wish the gift lives up to, and we get disappointed when it does not.

Disappointment is a horrible thing. We are afraid to disappoint, we do not want to disappoint, and we do not want to be disappointed. Yet having said that, we can be quite easily disappointed in something just because it does not have that one particular aspect in an otherwise almost perfect something. Nothing is perfect, and we have to grasp that fact. I know I have to.



I'm so many things I wish I weren't

All my sorrows flew away
Hush, keep quiet, hear me say
I don't ever want you to go
Please stay
With the moonlight dancing free
And there's no one but you and me
There's no reason to go astray
Please stay.

Try and think about it,
If you're heart is closed don't lock it,
Keep your keys back in your pocket,
Think this through.

Stay - Estrella

People wonder why I do what I do, why I do not just look away, why I bother chasing what they think is a lost cause. I know that if I give up, I will probably hate myself later, and I will not be able to live with myself, knowing that I just threw is all away. Oh there are so many things that I sometimes wish I could just give up, not having to worry about this and that, not having to go through the pain and suffering, not having to live up to expectations, not having to live with the guilt of letting down myself, as well as others.

Chasing something gives me something to do, at the very least, and having a dream, a goal, it gives me reason to still function. Oh I've contemplated just dropping and dying too, believe you me, but when I think about what I leave behind, who I leave behind, and the things I could have done had I been alive..

Sometimes I see you as a gift. Actually, every time I see you is a gift. Every time I get to take you out for dinner, or lunch, or supper, that's a gift. Time is not a luxury that I truly have, and neither are you. You're a craving that I have to satisfy, you're the hunger I have to sedate, you're the need that I have to have to live. So even if I was given the gift of some (not a lot) time before things happen, I know I want more. What I have now, it is just not enough. It will never be.

In that vein, I for one am very guilty of not being grateful of things that I receive. I have been guilty for wanting more, for having questions as to why this was done, why I only got that when there was clearly more to give. Having questions as to why is one thing, not getting answers is another, and that is where disappointment steps in.

I have been guilty of being very disappointed in gifts, in things that I receive, and though that may be so, I am always afraid that my reaction might not be good enough to cover the disappointment in myself, and therefore in effect disappoint the person(s) that gave me the gift(s). I can say this though, I have been sincerely happy when receiving or giving something more times than I have been disappointed. I guess, it is never nice to disappoint, and it is not a nice feeling to be disappointed either.

But in my case, I would rather be disappointed, then to disappoint someone.

I know I'm guilty of the last bit.


Very.
Very.
Guilty.