I was left alone just now, since my dad had to go and make sure his AJL's full dress was going good, and my mum and sister wanted to visit an aunt of mine. So I decided to do some reading and eating, with a little music listening. I didn't plan it to go the way it did though. First of, I finished reading a book titled "If You Could See Me Now" (Yeah, not really the sort of book I'd normally read, no? Well it was recommended by my sister, and it had something to do with our Film prject). Took two readings for me to really feel some sort of impact from the book.

And oh boy when it did hit me, it hit me. Didn't really help that I was listening to some bad music at the moment. I think I sort of made my mushroom soup extra diluted and salty (No, I didn't sneeze or put mucous in it, thank you very much!).

I was looking for trouble, in a sense. I read the ending again, and I couldn't hep but sit and think. Which is the worst thing for me to do at any given time, since I've been told I sometimes think too much. Bad mind, bad!

In the book, Ivan had to learn to let go, but still remember what he left behind, and at that, at the thought of letting go, I actually went wow. Out loud. A few times. Each time softer than the last, each time, voice cracking a little bit more.

I looked at / thought of the stuff that I went through, the things I have, the things I'm going to have to let go, and I sort of lost it. Thank god there was no one home. Though now that I type this out I bet my oh-so-kepoh sister is going to know.

Granted, I didn't exactly have a nightmare past, far from it. But it's the good things that happened, and the thought that I might not be able to do them again, well.. Almost gone are the days where I couldn't care less about what I did, because I had my parents to decide for me. Gone are the days where I would wake up at 6 in the morning to get ready for school. Gone are the days where I would put on my prefect uniform and go to school as one of the worst prefects of my generation.

Many things are gone, and it's not only the big ones that really matter to me. It's the small ones too. Like, going to school and taking some food from Weny in the morning. Or bringing in fries to class. Or skipping the prefects meeting with Kah Yang and Terence. Or going to physics tuition and laughing about "Right and kay".

Then, when my thoughts turned to the what I have, and what I'm going to have to let go, well, now that one really took the cake. Bought the barn. Scored a goal. Fried the egg. Cracked the knuckle. Spanked the monkey. Then, of course, my iPod decided to let Lifehouse loose.


Yeah, everything would be alright. But then I went a little too far ahead of myself and thought about how long can I do this? Until when? What would happen when.. oh, shit (I sound like some clingy screwed-up bitch, now that I think about it. Damn I hope it's not the case). Even rethinking about this is bad. I know, this is one of the suckiest things to think about, but I guess I have one of the suckiest minds on one of the suckiest heads on earth.

We had a brief chat about this, though I think it was with mutual consent that we didn't pursue it further. Besides, it was and still is too early to think about this. At least, that's what I think. But what do I know, last um.. relationship (if you could call it that) I was in turned out to not exactly be one in the first place. Talk about fucked up, eh?

They say "What Ifs" are one of the most dangerous questions one can ask oneself. I really think this is the case. It is hard to stop the downward spiral when you start with one. What if I... and on and on and on.

Fuck I'm such a pussy. What kind of guy can get all worked up over a girl's book and some music?

---

Did you know, today is already a month gone by? I don't know if I should make a big deal out of it, since it's only a month, but then again "only" is subjective, isn't it? I guess I wouldn't really consider it to be an "only", but I also guess to someone in a 10 year marriage, they'd consider it an "only".

So yeah, again, shows what I know.


*I actually typed out something from the book, but I think I'd only put it on after you finish reading it.

**Sorry for the boring post. It does tend to come up once in a while.

Here, so that there's at least one photo in this.