There was a time when I thought I could take on the world, be detached, be a shell. Then it all changed when I met you. The.. thing, for want of a better word, that we shared then, was life changing. I opened up, I attached, I tried to come out of my shell. I changed myself, for better or for worse, it is still undetermined, but I would like to think it was definitely for the better.

I am less timid, I don't find it hard to make small talk when needed, I can entertain when the situation calls for it, I look less tardy, I listen more, I talk more, I.. I'm changed. Some things might not be for the betterment of me, but the majority most definitely is.

It was a struggle to go on with life after what happened earlier this year, that I can easily tell you. It was never easy. I tried, believe you me, I really tried. But I was not strong enough. If anything, I managed to make things even worse. I dwelled upon memories, I listened to songs that would trigger thoughts that I should not have brought up, revisit places we've been to.

It was so bad at one point I kept on driving to the park, to your house, just to feel some sense of closeness, even if physically you were about a gazillion miles away. But emotionally, I felt you there. And in a way, it helped me, but at the same time it killed me.

When work for you came along, I had to endure what I believe were the three most excruciating months of my life, because you were absent from my life, my line of sight, my 15 minute drive. Add to that the fact that my dad went away, and it was heart wrenching, to say the least. Agony at it's best, for those months, though it was punctuated with wonderful, memorable, euphoric moments.

When you handed it back to me the night that you did, it did not really seem like a shock to me. I have always had some sort of, premonition (in a sense, more like a gut feeling I guess) of when bad (this, I believe is subjective, depending on one's current frame of mind) things are going to happen. It did prepare me, though it did little to soften the blow. But, when I hear the rationale, the reasoning, and I think about it, it makes sense.

Because, now that I have actually thought about it, I really do love you, but somehow, I cannot see myself with you. In a sense, I guess I love you more like a very good friend, a person I do not want to see hurt or wronged, a person that I can rely on to be there, a person I would go out of my way to make happy, a person I can treat like family. Someone special.

I shared my life with you, holding back little, if at all. And when I did not say or tell you something, someway or another, you would get it out of me. I feel comfortable when I'm around you, comfortable enough to blurt most of what is on my mind. And you listen, you nod, you talk, you explain, you advise, you scold.

Your brutal honesty, your extrovertness, your knack of injecting rationality into my irrational thoughts, your lack of farouche, your ability to make light of even the serious of serious matters, those things are very hard to come by. Your music taste, your sense of style, your brashness, your boldness, all these things and more, you are the epitome of what I wish I was.

I'm moving on with life, now that I see it in a different light. You opened up my mind, you opened up my heart. You caused one of my darkest hours so far, yet you were at the same time that shining beacon to guide me, to light my path. In my short lived life, never have I met a person who could do those two things at the same time.

I told you I have never regretted what I have done, only regretting what I did not do, and the one thing I regret, the one thing that I should have done, was to see it the way I see it now. Now I'm what, six months older (not a lot older, by any means, but older enough), I see that I was a little too stubborn, a little too single-minded to see what you meant to me, and how.

But, now that I do see, I am actually relieved that this ordeal is over. Yes, I guess I now have to rethink my outing habits, my activities, but at least I'm not hovering, not hanging, at least now I have a definite answer. It really feels like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders (not that I'm suggesting you were a burden, which, believe me, my dear, you most definitely are not).

So, I'd like to thank you. I'd like to thank you for the memories, the schooling, the scoldings, the insults, the jokes, the attention, and your presence in my life, and I really look forward what the future might bring. I'm sure it is nothing but good. As you said, and I believe you, if we (meaning me, mostly, since I tend to have a heart made of glass) pull through, we would be great friends.

There will always be a special place in my heart for you, a special fondness for you, a general favouritism and biasness on your behalf, but in that "You're the best friend that a guy could ask for" kind of way.

I know I'm not the first, nor the second, heck I'll be lucky to be even the third person you turn to when you're in trouble, when you have something bothering you, but I promise you, if there is anything I can do, in any way humanely possible, to make you happy, to not see you sad, I would. As a lyric of a song goes: Just call my name, and I'll be there.



You truly are one of the best things to happen to me.

Love